We all know that our feet reside at the lowest point of our body (unless, of course, we're seated with our legs up). In any case, Muslims believe thatfeet are the dirtiest part, particularly when one is walking around stark-foot-naked (AKA, barefoot). Ditto when we're wearing shoes: They often become soiled by dirt, grime, dog droppings, mudsicles, chewing gum, motor oil, and other such nastiness. Ergo, before entering a Muslim home (or ours, for that matter) or a mosque, you're expected to remove your shoes, you filthy infidel cur, you. I am absolutely down with that, which is why I regularly rotate out of permanent circulation any of my socks that have developedholes or stretch marks. Just in case I might unexpectedly be entering a Muslim's home or a mosque.
What I'm getting at is that the shoehas deep cultural significance in the Middle East, and we must respect that even if we don't understand it...BUT THREE YEARS IN AN IRAQI PRISON FOR THOWING A SHOE AT PRESIDENT BUSH...AND MISSING HIM??
Now that is just plain wrong.* wom
Clic the pic.
* Note: Word has leaked out that had the perpetrator HIT Mr. Bush, his fine would have been two goats, a peck of couscous, and a month of mosque mopping, butnope, he missed him, and now he must pay the price for his girly-girl throwing arm (it's a wonder they didn't decide to chop it off)....
Amira just got this in the mail. We've always thought that she's "mature for her age...."
Holy Shit!
February, 2009 - This about sums up the general flavor of New Orleans' most notorious street. Note image of
Christ embedded in photo.
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An Irishman from Derry was walking through a field when he saw a man drinking water from a pond with his hand.
The Irishman shouts "Ná hól an t-uisce, tá sé lán de chac bó!" ("Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit!")
The man shouts back, "I'm English! Speak English, not gibberish! I don't understand you."
The Derryman shouts back, "Use both hands -- you'll get more in."
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. ------------------------------------------------------------- Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. ------------------------------------------------------------ The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. ------------------------------------------------------------ An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy. ------------------------------------------------------------ Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?" ------------------------------------------------------------- Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room." ------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time." ------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? Answer: A bachelor. --------- ---------------------------------------------------- Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home. ------------------------------------------------------------- Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'." -------------------- -- --------------------------------------- "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!" ------------ ------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? ------------------------------------------------------------ My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
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-120 years young!-
HB, Eiffel Tower!
Photo reproduced with the expressed written permission of Mr. W.O. Marion. All rights reserved.
Click here to learn everything you'll ever need to know about the most famous structure in the world*.
Click above for a nifty results' map of the 2008 Election.
(Thanks to NPR and to Linda for bringing it to our attention)
NOTE: The "red" states are the utterly embarrassed ones that voted McCain/Palin.
A Bullet Dodged.
Wednesday, 11/5/08 - There is an endless list of reasons to rejoice at Barack Obama's resounding victory over
John McCain in yesterday's election, not the least of which is that the Palin family will now fade back into the
Alaskan landscape from whence they suddenly materialized just a few short weeks ago.
Snowmobiler Todd and his goatee, hockey mom Sarah and her glasses, and their whimsically monikered
offspring (Track, Trig, Willow, Bristol, and Piper) have had their
day in the sun. Now rustic Wasilla beckons, far, far away from the beaten track
(now we know how son #1 got his name?) and where theycan continue peering at Russia from the comfy confines
of their livingroom, remembering with wonderment the "lower forty-eight," where
they stood hopefully before us all until the savvy voting populace unhesitatingly hit the reject button.
Happy Trails, Governor and crew! wom
October 5, 2008 - A spirited debate accompanied Donna's magnificent Sunday feast as the troops gathered in Newton, NJ, in anticipation of the 2008 Cox Classic. Here, RJ describes the impressive dimensions of Sarah Palin's executive office in the WasillaTown Hall (below) as just another reason she's ready for Prime Time. Fortunately, at least half of those assembled at the table weren't buying it; on the other hand, half were (God help us all.)
Too much Skippy peanut butter can really bring you down. Consider yourself warned.
The Bandwagon Rolls on...
Cup from A2 cafe made from recyled materials...unfortunately, these things, including their plastic tops, are blithely tossed into the trash by the thousands each week. So while "ecotainer" is a clever descriptor, it only conjures up half the story....
On another environmental note, check out this unconscionable waste of one of our most precious (and stressed) natural resources....
Think about it...You order a beer from your local groggery and pay the piper without batting an eye. It costs you $5, $6, even $7 for a cold one. No problem. A pint (if you're lucky...some pubs are surreptitiously downsizing to 14oz; see "falsie" link just below) of ale for what ails ya. But do the math. Five bucks a glass. It takes 8 pints to make a gallon. Voila! We're talking $40 a gallon, at least. So stop carping about the high cost of gas and start carping about the high cost of cerveza. Or bitch about them both simultaneously, at home, over a frosty can of Milwaukee's Best, still as cheap as it comes, and even THAT swill averages out to about $10 a gallon, believe it or not.
This old cigarillo ad would cause a furor among today's feministas...though New York smokers are more concerned
about THISright now. (Can YOU imagine forking over $10 for a pack of Marlboros?)
Another Tootsie?
photo by JPM
While awaiting my turn at my barber Bill's, I stumbled upon FoundationFunding Fun, an academic
rag that some UM professor, in earlier for a trim, evidently left behind. The magazine had been
placed carelessly atop a pile of Playboys, Penthouses, and SI's that I was reaching for, and in the
process, FFFfell to the hairy floor and somehow opened tothe page with this shot. I couldn't help
noticing it,of course, and sat there in utter shock when I realized what I was looking at....wom
Horrible Hybrid
HackFester Fashion Consultant-Critic Amira continues to alert us to the latest style trends, including these hybrid Baggy-Tight jeans, which bring together two inconceivable looks that were not only conceived but heartily bought into, primarily by the youth market. The baggy-saggy side of it we've already covered here, so suffice it to say that wearers of such pants conjure up visions of circus clowns and court jesters. As for the tight look, why anyone would permit herself to be all but sewn into her jeans, then top off her compressed look with a pair of high heels, defies explanation, so I won't attempt it. After all, who can logically explain beaver hats, zoot & leisure suits, nehru jackets, granny glasses, bell bottoms, and root shoes?
Fashions come and fashions go. In the case of the above, we eagerly await their departure.
wom
A fortuitous change for us all.
Let's say that you were walking along one pleasant spring day, and as you rounded the corner, you came upon a stranger lying across the sidewalk engaged in a major medical event requiring immediate CPR. There was nobody else in sight. Just you. And him. And he looked like this guy. What would you do? A.) Turn quickly and head back in the direction from whence you came... B.) Glance around to ensure no one was looking, step over the body, and continue on with alacrity to Ben & Jerry's for some Chunkey Monkey... OR C.) Take a deep breath, swallow hard, and proceed to perform mouth-to-mouth, thus saving the wretched bloke's unfortunate life...
If you chose either A or B, read this. (Now even you can be a hero!)
As we continue to pay homage to Earth Day 2008 (which truly should be Earth Millenium -- or whatever span of time is needed to rein in our horrible human habits and clean up after ourselves), we offer up this story, contributed by our ever-vigilant Fashion Consultant/Critic and avid student of the weirdly bizarre, Amira Marion. WARNING!! If you've just eaten breakfast, lunch, dinner, or your evening snack, do NOT open this. Wait two hours, at least. Even then, you might regret it. There. Your have been properly advised. The miserable, unfortunate, disturbing bastard. WOM
A friend shared this with Linda. Amusing, in a painfully honest sort of way...
It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
HE won't take old age sitting down.
Sent: Thursday, December 13, 2007 9:50 PM
Subject: Cell Phone Law starting Jan 2008
According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2008, you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a 'hands-free' adapter. I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.
These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.01 each because he bought in quantity. Then we tried it with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly...
Good place to chow down...
Parsippany, NJ
Just don't criticize the food or send anything back....
For the Ahole who has everything...
"All I want for Christmas is..." Clic the pic (but not if you're snacking). Amira passed this along, so to speak, so you can blame her.
Uphill Battle?
A Crackdown on Drooping Drawers...
WOM: Caught with his pants down -- and that's NOT acceptable anymore.
While the popularity of this particular sartorial style might befuddle some of us, it downright agitates many others: Legislation banning such attire has been proposed in some cities, while others are taking their own proactive approach...
For a lousy twenty bucks, you too can be the man...
178th and Broadway, NYC
Just another day at the office...
Tottenham Court Rd., London, December 2006 - And you thought YOU were a world class multi-tasker. What you can't see here is that this bloody bloke was also ordering fish and chips via his Bluetooth headset, stuck into his left ear! Then after lunch, he simultaneously flossed his teeth and played Romance for Violin No.1 in G major Op.40. This guy was good.
Fly on the wall...
Top Ten Questions President Bush asked the Dalai Lama on his visit to the White House:
10 - "What is that, some kind of Halloween get-up?"
9 - "Is there a peaceful way for me to bomb Iran back to the stone age?"
8 -"I got one for you -- why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?"
7 - "Where's Mrs. Lama?"
6 - "Are you that Japanese guy my dad threw up on?"
5 - "Is it true yoga is the new oil?"
4 - "What the hell is happening on 'Lost'?"
3 - "How's business in Dollywood?"
2 - "Have you ever met Dr. Phil?"
1 - "I know your cousin Barack O'Lama"
No fun to be found here...
May, 2007 - Bonjour, y'all. Back in action after a quick trip to Paris to move Amira out of her apartment (any excuse).
While driving over to Burgundy for a short visit, we came across this killjoy town. Naturally, we departed immediately.
On this holy weekend, click on the headline above and read the bizarre saga of a college president and his daughter-in-law, upstanding citizens of Michigan's bastion of ultra-conservative religiosity -- that is, they used to be...
MICHIGAN MIRACLE!
Le Stone du Marion
A Michigan man who passed a kidney stone recently has been besieged by pilgrims from throughout the Christian world. The quiet Ann Arbor neighborhood of W.O. Marion became a campground for thousands of believers when confidential medical information was leaked to the media. Dr. Mohammed Dink notified the Ann Arbor News of an unusual kidney stone brought to him by a patient. When he placed the specimen in a beaker of water for storage, it remained on the surface. "Usually, they sink like a rock," he said.
Closer examination revealed the image of Jesus Christ on the pellet.
A group of religious scholars and scientists delegated by Pope Benedict have authenticated the miracle.
Dr Cedric Pentinghouse of the prestigious British Institute concurred that it is not a hoax, but the occurrence does defy explanation.
In an address at St Peter's square in Rome, Pope Benedict announced that he will convene the College of Cardinals to vote on immediate cannonization for Marion, waiving the usual wait of five years after death.
In reaction to the nomination for sainthood, Marion said, "Hell, I just had to take a piss. The damn pickle plug put me in perpetual pain. This peculiar pee pea pinched my plumbing."
The stone is currently under twenty-four hour guard by the Knights Of Columbus. JPM
***
See related story just below...
A stone to end all stones (I hope).
When my doctor got a gander at the above kidney stone -- which I had so manfully and unexpectedly passed on a visit to Ikea
last September, my first such "event," I might add -- he commented, "That is the biggest kidney stone I have ever personally seen.
Wow."
Somehow, that made me proud.
Now that I've survived the experience, I hope never to have reason to be any prouder. WOM
Au Chocolat: Breakfast of Champions
Ze French, they sure know their vittles. Fitness cereal with chocolate? Muesli with three different types of chocolate? Chocolate All-Bran? Special K, the chocolate version? Yep, yep, yep, and yep. All available at the Monoprix Supermarket in Paris. Sadly, Kellogg's doesn't offer Americans the same treats in our cereal aisles -- just another reason to dislike the bloody French? Perhaps, but maybe better yet, just another reason to visit France....
Update: As of February 2007, Kellogg's has begun marketing Special K with chocolate!
Muslim Heaven, February 2007 - Saddam Hussein, shown here enjoying the first of his 72 virgins, his reward for years of
exemplary service to Allah. One down and just 71 to go, old chap....
An Easter Treat
Happy Halloween!
Now isn't this sspecial?!
Tecumseh, St., Windsor, Canada
Another Duhhh....
Bay City, MI - July, 2005
Can't wait for this restaurant's Big Garnd Oenpig! WOM
Turning Point
And here is a deliberate subterfuge which resulted from many months of lobbying by the Arkansas Auto Body Repair Association. There was a remarkable 49% increase in business for Little Rock body shops until the conspiracy was discovered and thwarted. JPM
Apostrophe Catastrophe
Of all the marks of punctuation, apostrophes seem to give the average schmuck the most difficulty. Imagine a company in business for 54 years
and still unable to get it right. Hellooo!?!
Michael J passed along this striking photo of a scene taken directly from nature. Due to fear of being ticketed by the
SHP (Sexual Harassment Patrol), or being ostracized by Donna and Michelle, he declined to indicate which of the two is thought to
be female. A wise decision.
Fork It Over!
It's time to pay the piper.
...And if you get audited, fire the CPA, and do your own return next time...
Top Ten H&R Block Excuses
10. "Instead of CPA training, employees got CPR training."
9. "Forgot to carry the one 32 million times."
8. "For years we've been secretly funding Hamas."
7. "H was out sick that day and R was on jury duty."
6. "We were using Martha Stewart's guy."
5. "Were testing the world's first accounting monkey."
4. "Come on, it's a couple of dollars. It's not like we shot a guy in the face..."
3. "Hard to stay focused when you've been drinking since April 16th."
2. "Thirty-two million dollars?! We lose that much on a good day."
1. "Hoping for hot make-up sex with the IRS."
For that fresh, thickly-white feeling!
(found in a tiny department store in Bayamon, PR. Just 49 cents!!!)
Amen!
Can you raed tihs?
This is a test...only a test.
If yur'oe lkie me, you may not blveiee taht you can aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht yur'oe rdanieg. The hmuan mnid is so phaonmneal and pweorufl, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, taht it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are. The olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses, and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh, and msot poelpe hvae awlyas tghuhot slpeling is ipmorantt! Bladresadh!
How did you do? If you had porlebms, dn'ot fert...yuo're prboblay good at mtah!
Our first woman president?
From the "when you gotta go, you gotta go" department.
The start of another shitty season for the Padres.
