HackFest XV, Ohiopyle, PA

HackFest XV, Ohiopyle, PA

2003

This motley, pixel-deprived group displaced a lot of water during its adventure on the lower Youghiogheny River. (Note: what you're seeing in this shot are WAX representations of those who participated in the Marion Family Middle Yough Expedition, as the actual participants had to hurry back to FernCliff House to eat homemade muffins. Incidentally, this entire collection of paraffin mannequins was later moved to Madame Tussaude's Wax Museum of Whitewater Rafters. Located in downtown OhioPyle near the Post Office, it remains one of the area's top attractions after Falling Water and Fox's Pizzeria.)

The best that can be said of this intrepid bunch is that nobody drowned on this adventure run down the lower Yough at Laurel Canyon. One by one, each crew member got tossed, swirled about, knocked against the rocks, and finally, fished out, but ultimately, survived to tell about it. And, in the case of pointman WOM, survived to tell one and all that he'll never in this lifetime set foot in another whitewater raft...unless it's floating placidly in his swimming pool, that is....

Led by the intrepid one, their Uncle JP, Chris, Steve, and Matt successfully negotiate their way through Sissy Rapids, so named for legendary 18th-century naturalist Samuel T. Sissy, who first discovered the area in 1721 with his partner, Lt. Colonel Bruce G. Lance, Esq.. The two were searching for insects and wildflowers for Sissy's famous collection and traversed this very rapids while perched on an inflated horse bladder, using a petrified maple tree branch as a paddle. Incidentally, Sissy's remarkable collection is now on permanent display in the third-floor botany museum in the single-gabled Samuel T. Sissy House in OhioPyle (now the Firefly Restaurant).

With Michael J. manfully manning the rudder, this otherwise estrogen-laden craft enjoyed tremendous success on the lower Yough, losing only Mary Ella (front, attempting to paddle with her armpit) to the frothing river. Although she nearly drowned and sent Maggie into hysterics, she eventually bobbed up a bit downstream, none the worse for wear, except for the limp she continues to exhibit to this day.

Deposed HackFest'03 Comissioner, RJ Marion (foreground), urged on by the call of nature and subliminally driven by the constant rush of nearby Falling Water, just can't hold it any longer and secretively (he thinks) lets loose with with an impressive stream against one of Frank Lloyd Wright's prized conifers (note mossy green tint at base of tree due to RJ's recent consumption of copious amounts of Atkins-approved asparagus). Meanwhile, wife, MEM, who has seen it all before, feigns indifference despite her disgust; Sister-in-law Donna, horrified to the core, pretends not to notice; and daughter Maggie, used to such shenanigans, is amused by her father's urinary exhibition. In background, official HackFest photographer JPM shows brother MJ how to turn on his newfangled digital camera by pushing the "ON" button. (Note Amira, lodged between her two Uncles, attempting to convince them both to ditch digital and return to the carefree days of 35mm photography.)

STEVE: "I dare say, old boy, would you care for a spot of tea?" CHRIS: "HELL, NO! Whaddya take me for? A Saugatuckian?" STEVE: "Don't be a tart. You simply MUST try this! It's a wonderful blend of rind of oranges and sweet spices. Lovely." CHRIS: "HUH? I'm from Baltimore. We don't drink that crap." STEVE: "Oh, rubbish! You're just not secure in your masculinity. If you were, you'd know the pure joy inherent in a simple cup of tea." CHRIS, lifting a leg and farting smartly: "I'm secure." STEVE, averting his nose: "Oh, you ARE beastly!" CHRIS: "NOT." STEVE: "Ahh, here comes our delightful little vixen of a waitress, Kendall, Matt's new crush." CHRIS, farting again and licking his lips. "Babe alert!!" STEVE: "Such a bloody savage..! Oh, Kendall dear. A refill, si vous plait!" CHRIS: "Pantywaist! Yo, gimmee another milk." STEVE, disgusted: "Clearly, you are a direct descendent of Attila himself...." CHRIS, belching loudly, then sucking it back in and farting once more, "NOT."

Stone House Restaurant, August 2003

-Home of Matt's crush, Kendall-

The throwback game Spoons -- the prototype of the demented Limbs, played with a dismembered Barbie -- was the order of the day in OhioPyle for these gamesters, who volunteered to envelope themselves completely in Saran Wrap so as to help maintain the pristine condition of the Ferncliff kitchen, lest the fussy house staff take offense. It's clear this crew has never looked better, though Matt's comb-over took us all by surprise.

Of course you're envious. Who wouldn't want to shoot down a tortuous channel of frothy current with nothing more than a thin layer of nylon between your gluteous maximi and an unforgiving bed of craggy, cutting stone? Still, the irrespressible ousted Commissioner had something to prove and prove it he would at Ohiopyle's Natural Waterslide as captured in this remarkable action shot by JP Marion that was later picked up by Atkins Adventure magazine. Although RJM did suffer a series of minor cuts and abrasions during his descent and incurred a near-permanent wedgie, it was all worth it, as he had yet another excuse to remove his shirt in public and show off his newly-minted upper torso, a product of countless steaks, chops, and eggs, and numberless gulps of heavy cream, among other fat- and protein-rich foods.

A famished, forlorn JP sits splitting kindling and watching his fire fizzle just after his dinner guests arrived for the much-anticipated OhioPyle Cookout in the Woods. Although camping guru Donna (on left) offered some valuable advice ("This stupid wood will never burn...We'd better go into town and eat."), JP valiantly held off for three more minutes before prematurely abandoning ship and heading off with the masses to the ironically-named Firefly restaurant for the Quiche Lorraine Special. Meanwhile, young Logan (bent over, giving moon job to camera), refused to give up: Springing into action even before the dust had settled on the soggy dirt road from the departing vehicles, he quickly stoked the fire into a raging inferno, split more wood, set the table, and then joined his Uncles Rich, Mike, and Bill -- who took over the cooking duties -- in a bratwurst-fest, as between them, the four downed some seventeen of the tasty little devils, which were grilled to absolute perfection. Thank you Uncle John!

A startingly buff and bronze JP Marion (center and right) holds his own with whitewater guides Micah and Brian. JP would later have to enter a frothing river and rescue Brian whose kayak capsized as he ate an Italian meatball sub while running the rapids.

Just down from the natural waterslide, Alayna cools off in a pool. Or has she just been caught in the act of adding to the uric acid level of the Yough? We would be among the last to level such a disturbing accusation in this day of ecological rectitude; however, her unwaveringly satisfied and wantonly relieved look seems to say it all. Hmmmm.