-2003 HackFest Golf Championship-


No Fold (no foolin'!): 

 

After 2 years of final round futility, RJ gives the yips the slip and takes home the bacon.

                                          

                                                             (photo by JP Marion)

       Butler, PA,  June 6, 7, & 8, 2003  Rich Marion (center, in Gucci shades on his way back to golf cart for low-carb, fat-filled Atkins Vanilla Shake) staved off an outstanding field at Conley's Resort, and staggered home with the HackFest Iron after two years of utter and abysmal futility.  Marion, whose final-round collapses in recent years are now entrenched in HackFest lore, once again nearly choked away certain victory, stumbling down the stretch with a quadruple, then a triple bogey (see scorecard below).  However, second-place finishers MJ and WOM were unable to capitalize this time around, while JP and his three 8s and two 7s shot himself in the foot and was never a factor, though he ate well (see accompanying sidebar below). 

    Jim Furyk (foreground, center), who would soon go on to capture the U.S. Open crown, is shown here reacting to the news that he has been disqualified for inadvertently signing John Marion's scorecard and turning it in as his own, a particularly shortsighted error as Marion shot a 109 to Furyk's own course-record  56, hence throwing open the barn door for Rich.  

    Tiger Woods, who was seen prowling about Butler's hotspots with his Swedish girlfriend until well past 9:30 pm the night before the final round, seems to have paid the price for his carousing: He fell asleep on a bench near the 5th tee box couldn't be awakened for some four hours.  He was also disqualified. 

    Sergio Garcia was never in it; in fact, he was nowhere near Butler that weekend. (What you're seeing is a cardboard cutout of Sergio that Miller Lite was using for a promotion in the trendy Knicker's Tavern in the expansive Conley's compound.) 

    A dejected defending champ, Mike Marion, placing all the blame for his incompetence on one single thing, pees on his putter just off the 17th green.  Oddly enough, just ten minutes later, he knocked in a 48-footer to save bogey on the final hole, his tainted putter already forming rust spots along the shaft after its drenching.  

    Bill Marion (center, in pristine white), contemplates snapping his once-trusty 7-wood in half.  The object of much ridicule given its 1970s technology, the club was, within a month of the tourney, replaced by a new, ultramodern 7-wood, laced with titanium, plutonium, and jalapeno-infused graphite, and with a clubhead that is 45% larger than the antiquated piece of crap that single-handedly lost him the tourney.  Restraining himself from actually breaking his old 7-wood in half, WOM went on to tie for second with Michael J. , carding a final round 101, which included 18 three-putts.   Expect pretty much the same out of him next year, despite the exciting, new addition to his rather feeble arsenal. 

    (Note: Early on it was thought that John Marion (not pictured above) would dominate the proceedings after shooting a 41 on the back nine at the Huron Hills Golf and Cross Country Ski Course last October, but he unfortunately left his game back home in Michigan on the weekend of the Tournament.  Chat rooms across the web have recently been propounding the theory that JP's poor play can be tied directly to his overconsumption at the Conley Resort breakfast buffet (free with golf package).  He was seen returning for thirds and even fourths both mornings of his stay, scarfing down the mass-produced, bland-as-warm-water scrambled eggs; rubbery bacon; fat-infused sausage; preservatives-laden blueberry muffins; and prison-quality coffee like a man who feared a worldwide famine was imminent.  His ensuing play, logy and often erratic, experts are saying, can be directly connected to his dietary indiscretions.  Mr. Marion is now consulting his attorneys and is considering a suit against Conley's for its culinary role in his demise.)


Final Round Scorecard

HF03FinalRound.jpg 


Historic Napkin Nearly Nails Winning Score...              

On the Saturday night before the final round, the four brothers convened at the multi-purpose Monroe Hotel,  Bikers' Bar, and Family Restaurant (Butler's only 4-star establishment, according to, well, the Monroe Hotel,  Bikers' Bar, and Family Restaurant).  There, over a few Iron City brews and a mouthwatering menu of "goremay" (their spelling) fish sticks, msg-laced Italian Wedding soup, and iceberg lettuce salad with pine nuts, the brothers put on their prognosticators' hats and attempted to ascertain the victor of the next day's Championship Round and his score.  Remarkably, they almost hit the nail on the head for winner RJ (see jpeg of Monroe Hotel,  Bikers' Bar, and Family Restaurant high quality paper napkin below), who ultimately shot a 95, but would have had a 94 if he hadn't driven into the water on 18, the final hole:

 


 

 

Not wanting to miss their tee time after a night of carousing, Mike and Bill placed themselves on the first tee box, sure to be revived when Richard returned from 5:30 am mass at the Byzantine Church of Saint Quadragesimus the Shepard, in downtown Butler. 

 

 

 MJM launches a laser into the early dawn mist on the first tee at Conley's Resort and Bacon Restaurant.  Unfortunately, it headed directly for one of the pine trees on the right (see next photo). 

 

Months of yardwork paid off for Michael J. as he found himself in a familiar spot - under the unwelcomed shade of a Conley conifer.  Even though he grabbed the wrong bag in a rush to join his big brothers in Pennsylvania, his garden tools came in very handy.  Here he utilizes a 4 hoe. 

This is the view JP Marion enjoyed each morning - looking over the fleet of golf carts to the first tee.   Of course, he was really looking over a full stack of buttermilk pancakes (extra butter, extra milk, extra fake maple syrup ), two stacks of bacon (eliminates one return trip to buffet), and a logjam of sausage links.